Friday, February 13, 2009

Misguided Marriage Craze

Dear Liam,

My 20 year old sister just got engaged this month to a boy she's been dating less than six months. I've been dating my boyfriend for about the same amount of time. My boyfriend is now getting cagey thinking I want to already be engaged as well. Also, my family is now getting on my back about how my sister is engaged and I'm not. How do I get everyone to chill the fuck out?

Not Engaged in New Hampshire

Dear Not Engaged –

Weddings make people insane. Everyone gets so hung up on the excitement and planning that they forget that it’s really just one stupid party, and then you have to deal with being married to that person the rest of your life.

It’s totally irresponsible for two 20 year olds to get engaged after dating only 6 months. You can’t possibly get to know someone well enough to marry them in that amount of time, and 20 year olds hardly know themselves well enough to understand who they’ll be compatible with for decades of matrimony.

You’re in the right here. You seem like a smart and reasonable person, and your family needs to chill the fuck out. First, explain your feelings to your boyfriend. Assure him that while you’re happy with your relationship, there is no fucking way you’re ready to get married anytime soon. Second, tell your family that while you’re happy for your impulsive little sis, you’ll make your life decisions on your own schedule and their weird pressure makes you feel uncomfortable. This most likely will not stop them, but at least you’ve put it out there.

As a last resort, make them watch those moronic wedding planning reality shows. If they can see past the cake design and into the warped priorities of maniacal brides-to-be, maybe they’ll get the message.

Liam and Me

Where the handsome mature boys at?

Dear Liam,

I'm a typical girl who goes boy crazy every once in a while, but it's really hard to find a great guy in my town. Honestly I live in a town with mostly ugly, immature boys. I'm not saying that looks are all that matter but seriously, how can this place be so unfortunate? Yeah, personality goes a long way, but just about every guy I've met is really immature. I've heard that girls mature faster than boys but I really didn't think that it would take them so long to grow up. I don't want to wait my whole life to find someone with brains and a cute face. What can a girl do?

Looking for that someone in this cruddy town

Dear Looking –

Have you considered relocating to a bigger city? In our travels around the world, we’ve definitely seen the socioeconomic difference between large and small towns. Not to knock small town living, but bigger cities tend to attract crowds of young, ambitious, organized, and sexy people, all of them trying to make it big in this crazy world. If you’re feeling stifled in your hometown, maybe its time to make your move.

Pack your bags, buy some hot shoes, and find an excuse to go. I recommend NYC, LA, ATL, San Fran, Philly, Austin, DC. All packed with hustlers with some style.

Keep us posted!
Liam and Me

To Strip or Not To Strip

Dear Liam -

I moved to a new city about 5 months ago and still haven’t found a job. Although my father has been generous with financial assistance, I have recently been cut off. I have been trying very hard to find a job, it just seems that this city wasn’t meant for newcomers.

I have a friend who's a stripper, and I could easily get that job. The problem is that I have too much respect for myself to flaunt my naked body in front of strangers or worse, my guy friends. Word would get around quickly, not to mention my current boyfriend would surely find out. I'm not sure how he'd react to such a career seeing as he’s a successful photographer.

I'm not scared to shake what my momma gave me, and I’ve been told that I look awesome naked! My bills are starting to pile up and I can’t continue living off the generosity of my friends. Do I make dat money by lowering my morals and showing some (or a lot) of skin, or continue to be that moocher friend?

Bills or booty

Dear Bills –

God I loved this message. It’s a classic, but that doesn’t make it any less tough. A few things to consider:

- Strippers can make bank, but it carries a lot of baggage forever
- You will not be able to keep it a secret from your friends.
- The economy is balls, but there are jobs available.
- Careerbuilder and craigslist are not the way to find work – networking is key

From your description, it seems like you are flattered by the offer but uncomfortable with the reality. I say give yourself some more time to find a more legit job. Ask everyone you know about available opportunities. Show up to places you like in person and ask around. Your best bet is to find opportunities through the same channels you found your stripper offer. I’m confident you can do it, and if things get really tough you can give “exotic dancing” a go!

Sidenote: dating a stripper is a rollercoaster ride. On one hand, you’re very very proud that every dude in the room is ogling the lady that YOU get to take home at the end of the day. On the other hand, jealously and paranoia will drive you insane.

Send us some hot pics?
Liam and Me

Nerds Love Confident Women

Dear Dr. Liam and Me,

Okay, so, there is this boy. He is top of the class, a genius. He's intriguing, he fascinates me, but to the point where I cannot form coherent sentences. It's more than the generic butterflies—it’s straight up paralysis. I stutter, I mumble, I look everywhere but at him. How do I over come this?

A lot of the time I feel I'm just not good enough for him, but that can't be entirely right. We get along, we have things in common, he seems interested enough, and he puts up with my frantic rambling. But I really don't like how nervous I get around him. Is there some secret formula to cure these extreme nerves? Am I just a silly girl with a silly crush? Help?

Much love,
Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed –

Thank you for the honorary doctorate! We can’t remember completing med school or a Ph.D program.

You’re lacking confidence in a big way. There is no secret formula or silver bullet, but confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself this guy is a god and you are a slug, you will be nervous and awkward. If you tell yourself you’re a hot piece and this dude would be lucky to have you, you will project that vibe instead.

It really comes down to practice and comfort in your own skin. People usually get better at this with time. Here’s one little trick though: get dressed up in your favorite outfit, put on some subtle hot eye makeup and a pair of cool heels. Nothing too intense! You don’t want to look like a prom date or hooker. But you’re a pretty girl, and if you work it just a little bit people will take notice and you’ll get that little boost of confidence. Even top of the class braniacs are slayed by a little production value. Maybe when confronted with your new secure attitude, he’ll start to get butterflies of his own…ow!

Let us know how things pan out!

NOT a good boyfriend candidate

Dearest Liam,

I've been "seeing" this boy (and yes, I say boy and you will soon see why) for about 4-5 months. We have a lot of fun. I'm not a commitment fan and neither is he, and there are certain flaws I choose to ignore.

He's a bit younger than me, he works more sporadically than a Hilton sister, he's stoned about 85% of the time, he cancels plans with me on a regular basis, and he's been with more girls than I care to mention. It’s casual, so no worries.

The problem is that now I think he's starting to actually care for me a little more than you would a normal friend with benefits. What's even more terrifying is I may like him too, although I'm not quite quick to admit it. Do you think I can trust such a person to not completely burn me? Is it even worth it to try and build a relationship with someone who is on such a radically different path?

(Girl)friend with benefits?

Dear Girlfriend –

It sounds very nice that your casual sexual relationship is turning into something meaningful. And yes, perhaps your increasing mutual affection will help reign in some of his personality defects.

But in all honesty he sounds like a horrible boyfriend candidate, and he will be as lazy in your relationship as he is in his life. Its already pretty clear he doesn’t really care. Regularly cancelled plans, constantly stoned, and rampant promiscuity. Sounds like a keeper!

Seriously though, don’t get sucked into his lackadaisical charm. He’s a young, flaky, horny pot head. He will only disappoint you. There is a tiny chance I’m wrong, but you know in your heart that I’m not.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Divorcée who made my day

Dear Liam,

I recently got divorced after being married for almost nine years. I've been dating up a storm in the past few months, and having a great time. However the average age of the guys I'm going out with is about 27, and I will be 39 in a month (I'm Asian, you know my peoples don't age). I never lie about my age, and no one seems to have a problem with it as I'm not looking for anything serious just yet. Eventually I'll want to see someone for more than a few weeks, maybe even (ack) have a boyfriend of some kind again.

My question is this, why am I not attracted to anyone my age? Or even close? I have tried to go out with a few men in their mid 30s but they bore the hell out of me. The young men like me now, but will they want to date me when I'm not such a fun carnival ride? Am I doomed to the Cougar den with my fading looks and long lost charm, making desperate passes at immigrant busboys and baristas on Friday nights?


Immature or Young at Heart?

Dear Immature or Young at Heart –

The dissolution of a relationship that lengthy and serious delivers a massive shock to your world. That kind of breakup is a once in a lifetime experience, and its no surprise you’re feeling the need to reboot and go ape shit. I say take advantage of your ageless Asian hotness and get as much late 20s tail as you can manage, for now. I’m assuming you don’t have any children yet. It would be very irresponsible to be getting busy with a different Ashton or Dylan every night as your four-year-old’s mind is destroyed by Mommy’s orgasm yelps.

But yes, this too will get old. 27 year olds are increasingly marriage minded, but they won’t seriously consider a woman 10 years older. And you are right, it can’t last forever. You won’t get as many young takers as you hit 45, 50, 60…

It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right place, Baby Cougar. This is your wild European backpacking f**kfest before you come home and take over the family business. The revolving door of young studs will lose its luster, and suddenly a more grounded mid-30s gentleman will seem more appealing.

But before that happens, give us a call will ya luv?

We wish you the best in 2009.


40, Asian, still fine as hell.

Which lame guy should I pick?

Dear Liam -

I’m dealing with some last semester before college boy tensions, and I want to know which platonic friend I should upgrade to

The first friend (We'll call him Joe) has a girlfriend but they've been on the verge of a break up for half the year. I've always kind of liked him and I think there's a chance that he at least kind of likes me. We're probably going to the same college next fall so that's a huge plus and like I said, I've pretty much always had a thing for him...

But then there's my other friend (He'll be Bob) who just recently told my best friend that he might like me. We've been pretty tight lately but I had no idea that he was interested. I've never liked him like that, but I don't want to miss out on something that has the potential to be great. Also I kind of think he just really wants a girlfriend and I'm the only one in our group of friends who isn't dating anyone.

Should I hold out for 'Joe' even though he's technically taken right now and I'm not even sure he's interested, or risk my friendship with 'Bob'? I live in a small town so if things go South with either of my friends its gonna be one hell of a long semester....

“Friends” ‘til the End

Dear Friends ‘til the End:

How about C, none of the above? Both Joe and Bob sound like horrible options. Joe has a girlfriend who he refuses to break up with and likely has no interest in dating you. Bob has never impressed you, and is a guy who just wants to get his rocks off before he goes off to college.

Why not enjoy the time you have left with your friends without forcing yourself into a ridiculous relationship with one of them? You have 6 months until graduation. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone totally new and totally better, and have a magical summer fling before the frat guys get their turn.



Friends forever!