How to f*ck your shy friends

Dear Jackie Treehorn and Co. -

I have liked this boy for a very long time. We talk occasionally but not that much. I try very hard to make casual conversation, and to get him to notice me but it doesn’t seem to do much. I can’t say I think he’s completely uninterested, because I’ll look up in class every now and then and he’ll be looking at me. But I can’t ever get him to have a long conversation with me.

Maybe he’s just shy? Or maybe I am wrong and he is completely uninterested? What do you think?

Much love,
Lonely Lucy

Dearest Lonely –

You probably won’t be lonely much longer. From your description, it sounds like the gentleman in question is a shy, sweet dude who probably has a crush on you and is too verklempt to do anything about it. The staring at class is a dead giveaway, unless you have something horrifying in your teeth.

You’re a woman of the 21st century, so take charge and make the first move. Invite him to hang outside of school. If he’s shy, invite him and a buddy to go somewhere with a larger group first. You’ll be getting your extra curricular activities on in no time.

Sloppy Kisses,
Liam

Writer's Bloc

Dear Liam –

I’m an amazing writer, right? And I have all these ideas.
But when I try to type them out, my mind goes blank.

I don’t know if you guys write stories, but I know you write songs and lyrics. Do you ever get writer’s block? If so, how do you deal with it?

Luhvv,
Mae

Dear Mae:

Writer’s block is the balls, and every artist suffers from it. You have to figure out what inspires you and makes you feel creative, then try and get yourself into that mindset.

Two things help me a lot:

1. Jot down every little idea you have. Even if its just one little part, one cool fragment, one character’s revelation, little snippets can be synthesized into a great story and prove to be a breakthrough.

2. If you write, read lots of books. If you make music, listen to tons of music. Movies, painting, photography, whatever. Consume lots of the art you aspire to make and mine it for ideas.

Good things will come to you. Promise. Absinthe and mushrooms have also helped many great creative minds.

Cheers,
Liam

Hetero-flexible

Dear Liam and Me:

The guy I like is gay. Is there any hope, or should I just give up?

Sincerely,
“Bearded” Lady


Dear Bearded:

Save up a bunch of money and send him to one of these fine “camps”.

Seriously, you should just give up. But cherish your gay friend for what he is. He’ll flatter you, offer valuable wardrobe tips, and provide you with many things a straight boy can’t. Except for hot hetero action.

Liam

Bad Friends

Dear Liam and Me -

I have a friend who I’ve hung out with a lot. She always acts superior, calls me a “dumbass”, and makes me feel really stupid. It’s ok to joke around sometimes, but she takes it to the extreme.

Today when I wasn’t in the mood to talk, she told me I “have an attitude problem and really need to change it”. She left for class without me and began telling my friends about my apparent attitude problem.

I don’t know if we can still be friends. To tell the truth, she’s not a good friend to begin with. She only thinks about herself, thinks she’s better than anyone, and will never be there for anything.

What should I do? Should I talk it out or keep it in?

Sincerely,
Deprecated Self

Dear Deprecated:

Any friend who makes you feel that miserable probably isn’t worth having. Still, there’s the off chance that she’s so insensitive that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. And if you’ve kept her around this long, there must be something about her you like.

Communication is always the answer. Sit her down and REALLY make her understand how crappy she makes you feel, citing as many examples as you possibly can. Be firm but polite. Who knows, maybe she’ll apologize and change her ways. Otherwise be prepared to find a new BFF who doesn’t make you feel worthless.

Liam

Sucking in Public

Dear Liam -

I have a small part in my upcoming theater class play. Onstage I tend to just freeze up, not because I’m nervous, but because I just kind of feel like I’m not being funny. Everyone tells me to just go with what I’m doing. So what are things you guys do to get over nerves? Do you even get nervous? How do you just let everything go and perform your heart out?

BTW, “Pretty Black Dress” is my favorite song. This may just be one of those really stupid problems that you are tired of hearing about but remember you brought this on yourselves! (And I’m not totally convinced this is even the actual Liam and Me band reading these things.)

Sincerely,
Butterflies

Dear Butterflies:

For the record, this is really us, baby. And we’re very happy you like Pretty Black Dress. That’s one of my enduring faves as well.

Ahh, stage fright. Unless you’re some kind of invulnerable super-performer, it will affect you at some point in your career. There’s no silver bullet to stop it, but like anything else, practice makes perfect.

In my experience, stage fright is the fear of sucking and being judged by a large group of people who happen to be staring at you. You’re nervous that you might suck, but the more nervous you get the harder you suck. It’s a vicious cycle.

So here are my tips:

Don’t suck – try to get really good at whatever you’re doing onstage. If you’re prepared, you’ll be more confident in your abilities and therefore less nervous.

Don’t give a fuck – if you flub a line or your voice cracks, you may feel like dying inside. But the audience doesn’t care. Chances are they didn’t even notice! If something bad happens, just go with it. I’ve seen great performers screw up a million times. Who gives a fuck? Not giving a fuck is liberating and will improve your presence.

Perform as often as you can – it’s impossible not to be nervous the first time. By the 5th or 6th show, you’ll feel a lot better. By the 100th time, you’ll be a bloody pro.

After playing as many shows as we have, we don’t get so nervous at a normal gig. But we do get a little freaked doing things we’re not so experienced with, especially press – videotaped interviews, TV performances, radio spots, etc. Youtube is littered with clips of us looking awkward. As we get more experienced, we’ll get better and more confident. With practice, we’ll be able to handle press like super smooth Barack Obama.

One other helpful hint. A double shot of whiskey before taking the stage tends to loosen me up. Not that we advocate that per se.

Kisses,
Jackie Treehorn

Our first column! Friends with benefits...

Dear Liam -

I have a massive crush on one of my guy friends. He’s always asking me for advice on girls that are just gross and all wrong for him. Ahh, it tears me up! Why can’t he see that the perfect girl is right under his nose?

So what do you think Liam and Me, should I say something?

Sincerely,
Forever in the Friend Zone

Dear Forever:

My short answer would be “Go for it, sugar!” You’re young and you only live once. There are some risks, however, when you try to convert platonic friendship into sexy time explosion. As a male who’s been on both sides of this situation, here’s how things will likely play out:

Option 1 – He might also be secretly in love with you, but afraid of the consequences. Maybe he keeps asking your advice on terrible girls to show you that he is desired by women, hoping that one day you’ll answer his timid plea and make the first move. “You want my advice?” you say in his mind, “Take me now you virile beast!” If this is the case then you’re the big winner. A whole new set of problems awaits you as this dude’s girlfriend or friend with benefits.

Option 2 – He might not be attracted to you and shoot you down. Maybe he keeps asking your advice to brag and validate his pimp status. Boys are pretty superficial, and no matter what anyone says, physical attraction is priority number one. This rejection may make things uncomfortable, and change the nature of your friendship. If you’re both secure individuals, no big deal! But people tend to feel awkward, and that’s why things “get weird”.

So here are the questions to consider: Do you think your friend is attracted to you? Does he flirt, make innuendos, etc? If things go badly, are you willing to risk changing your friendship? Think it over, it’s ultimately up to you. (I vote for risk taking.)

One other helpful hint – in an informal poll of my friends with significant others, alcohol served as a catalyst in 90% of cases. Not that we advocate that per se, but, uh, yeah.

Let us know how it works out!

Cheers,
Liam