Divorcée who made my day

Dear Liam,

I recently got divorced after being married for almost nine years. I've been dating up a storm in the past few months, and having a great time. However the average age of the guys I'm going out with is about 27, and I will be 39 in a month (I'm Asian, you know my peoples don't age). I never lie about my age, and no one seems to have a problem with it as I'm not looking for anything serious just yet. Eventually I'll want to see someone for more than a few weeks, maybe even (ack) have a boyfriend of some kind again.

My question is this, why am I not attracted to anyone my age? Or even close? I have tried to go out with a few men in their mid 30s but they bore the hell out of me. The young men like me now, but will they want to date me when I'm not such a fun carnival ride? Am I doomed to the Cougar den with my fading looks and long lost charm, making desperate passes at immigrant busboys and baristas on Friday nights?

Sincerely,
Immature or Young at Heart?


Dear Immature or Young at Heart –

The dissolution of a relationship that lengthy and serious delivers a massive shock to your world. That kind of breakup is a once in a lifetime experience, and its no surprise you’re feeling the need to reboot and go ape shit. I say take advantage of your ageless Asian hotness and get as much late 20s tail as you can manage, for now. I’m assuming you don’t have any children yet. It would be very irresponsible to be getting busy with a different Ashton or Dylan every night as your four-year-old’s mind is destroyed by Mommy’s orgasm yelps.

But yes, this too will get old. 27 year olds are increasingly marriage minded, but they won’t seriously consider a woman 10 years older. And you are right, it can’t last forever. You won’t get as many young takers as you hit 45, 50, 60…

It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right place, Baby Cougar. This is your wild European backpacking f**kfest before you come home and take over the family business. The revolving door of young studs will lose its luster, and suddenly a more grounded mid-30s gentleman will seem more appealing.

But before that happens, give us a call will ya luv?

We wish you the best in 2009.

Yours,
Liam

40, Asian, still fine as hell.

Which lame guy should I pick?

Dear Liam -

I’m dealing with some last semester before college boy tensions, and I want to know which platonic friend I should upgrade to

The first friend (We'll call him Joe) has a girlfriend but they've been on the verge of a break up for half the year. I've always kind of liked him and I think there's a chance that he at least kind of likes me. We're probably going to the same college next fall so that's a huge plus and like I said, I've pretty much always had a thing for him...

But then there's my other friend (He'll be Bob) who just recently told my best friend that he might like me. We've been pretty tight lately but I had no idea that he was interested. I've never liked him like that, but I don't want to miss out on something that has the potential to be great. Also I kind of think he just really wants a girlfriend and I'm the only one in our group of friends who isn't dating anyone.

Should I hold out for 'Joe' even though he's technically taken right now and I'm not even sure he's interested, or risk my friendship with 'Bob'? I live in a small town so if things go South with either of my friends its gonna be one hell of a long semester....

Thanks
“Friends” ‘til the End


Dear Friends ‘til the End:

How about C, none of the above? Both Joe and Bob sound like horrible options. Joe has a girlfriend who he refuses to break up with and likely has no interest in dating you. Bob has never impressed you, and is a guy who just wants to get his rocks off before he goes off to college.

Why not enjoy the time you have left with your friends without forcing yourself into a ridiculous relationship with one of them? You have 6 months until graduation. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone totally new and totally better, and have a magical summer fling before the frat guys get their turn.

Excelsior!

Liam

Friends forever!

From A Distance I'm Into You

Dear Liam and Me,

I tend to always fall for the type of guys whom I never talk to or see. I am a pretty shy person, so whenever I see them walk by in the hallway, I totally avoid any sort of eye contact and stay completely aloof, pretending I don't notice them at all.

What should I do? How can I break out of my comfort zone and get rid of this horrible habit?

Sincerely,
Trapped in a Bubble

Dear Trapped:

How do you know you like these guys if you never talk to them? Its one thing to think they’re hot, and another to actually like them as people. You’ll never know unless you just man up and do it.

You will have many regrets throughout your life if you don’t give things like this a shot. It will be weird and embarrassing at first, but it will open up tremendous opportunities. Psych yourself out and make the first move!

PLEASE watch this video for inspiration.



Love,
Liam

These Boots Were Made For Walking All Over You

Dear Liam and Me,

I've been described as a fairly big-hearted person. That being said, I'm also a pushover. I let my best friend move down to live with me after she got kicked out of college. I did this with the stipulation she get a job and pay rent and such.

I got her her first job, and things were okay for the first month. Then she quit her job, and I was expected to pay every bill AND buy her food. I was working 40 hour weeks and going to school while she sat at the apartment playing on myspace. I was also taking her to shows, buying her CDs, and getting her tattoos. I bought her cigarettes even though my mother died from smoking, and steak at restaurants even though I don’t eat meat.

Every time I tried to kick her out, she'd guilt me into letting her stay. This past week, with the help of my family, I finally managed to get her out of the country, away from me.

All of our mutual friends have decided to be mad at me because she's gone. They never had to take care of her and none of them offered her a place to stay when they knew she was leaving, but they still find it really easy to blame me for her not being around anymore.

Should I try to make them understand the situation or should I just ditch them for better friends?

Troubled in Texas

Uhhh, can you like buy me cigarettes bitch?

Dear Troubled –

OH MY F*CKING GOD. Calling yourself a pushover is the understatement of the century. Its cool to ask for help, but no friend should ever impose on you to the extent that this girl did. And no friend should let herself be walked over to that insane degree. You missed out on a million chances to say “No [way in hell, biatch]!” Buying her smokes, steak, and tattoos? While paying every single bill and letting her crash? Wow.

I’m glad you finally got her out of your apartment, and its probably better that she is out of the country.

As for your “mutual friends”, it’s easy to complain when you don’t have to bear the burden. I’m inclined to say find some better friends. But if you want to keep them around, point out their hypocrisy. Try telling them you’d be happy to call her up and tell her she’s welcome to come back move in at THEIR houses.

“No.”
“No way in hell.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“How about you pick up this steak dinner and I’ll get the next?”
“Get out of my apartment or I will throw your sh*t in the street.”

With resolve,
Liam

Don't Date Band Dudes!

Dear Liam -

I seriously always seem to fall in love with musicians who don't have the time for a girlfriend. Or so they tell me. Maybe I'm naive enough to believe it, or maybe they're really busy all the time, but I can never seem to get one that's actually interested enough to make it work. Even if I meet them at a library or a bookstore, they turn out to be a "super busy drummer/guitarist/lead singer" and it drives me batty. Is there any way to either repel musicians or to make it work? I mean, has it worked in your experience? I'm pretty damn attractive, and pretty smart, so I don't get it.

-Bummed out in California


Dear Bummed:

This one is a classic, and the answer is always the same. Band boys are pretty despicable with women. They join bands because they love music almost as much as they love getting attention, and they validate their insecurities by stringing along as many girls as possible. Unless Dude is a serious touring musician, chances are he's not too busy for a relationship. He's having a good time being a man slut, and happy with the status quo. I understand why girls are into band dudes, but those same qualities make them shitty boyfriends. There are exceptions to every rule (ahem), but this is usually the case.

Your best bet is to turn the tables and blow him off. Dress cute and flirt casually, and when Dude asks you to come back to his place, tell him he seems nice but isn't really your type. This will blow his mind, and his ego will compel him to try and bone you. I'm getting turned on just thinking about being rejected. Straight-up Mystery Method!

Attractive and smart, you say? Watcha doing this weekend?

Suerte,
Liam

"Sorry girl, I've been real busy."

NYC vs LA

Dear Liam and Me –

New York or LA?

Bi-coastal Biatch

Dear Bi-coastal:

NYC is my favorite. But they both rock in their own special ways. I made this handy table to help you make a decision.

Kisses,
Liam

I made this rad table in Microsoft Word.

Dream Jobs

Dear Liam and Me –

I have this wonderful job that I enjoy and am very good at. It has fantastic potential and can lead to a great many things, and I get to help people who truly need it on a daily basis. My trouble is recently another opportunity has presented itself that, for lack of a better term, happens to be my “dream job.” So, do I stay in the job I know I enjoy, or risk everything for something that may fail miserably? You see, if I go for broke and choose the latter, what happens if it’s a bust? Then what?

Sincerely,
Opportunity Knocked

Dear Knocked –

It sounds like you have a rare and fantastic opportunity to live your dream. For the love of god, don’t screw it up! If your current job really loves you, they will understand your need to go out and actualize. And as long as your dream job isn’t something like crack whore or African warlord, they will probably be proud of you.

Go go do it. Stay on good terms with your old work people so that you can go crawling back if things don’t go as planned.

Cheers!
Liam

How to f*ck your shy friends

Dear Jackie Treehorn and Co. -

I have liked this boy for a very long time. We talk occasionally but not that much. I try very hard to make casual conversation, and to get him to notice me but it doesn’t seem to do much. I can’t say I think he’s completely uninterested, because I’ll look up in class every now and then and he’ll be looking at me. But I can’t ever get him to have a long conversation with me.

Maybe he’s just shy? Or maybe I am wrong and he is completely uninterested? What do you think?

Much love,
Lonely Lucy

Dearest Lonely –

You probably won’t be lonely much longer. From your description, it sounds like the gentleman in question is a shy, sweet dude who probably has a crush on you and is too verklempt to do anything about it. The staring at class is a dead giveaway, unless you have something horrifying in your teeth.

You’re a woman of the 21st century, so take charge and make the first move. Invite him to hang outside of school. If he’s shy, invite him and a buddy to go somewhere with a larger group first. You’ll be getting your extra curricular activities on in no time.

Sloppy Kisses,
Liam

Writer's Bloc

Dear Liam –

I’m an amazing writer, right? And I have all these ideas.
But when I try to type them out, my mind goes blank.

I don’t know if you guys write stories, but I know you write songs and lyrics. Do you ever get writer’s block? If so, how do you deal with it?

Luhvv,
Mae

Dear Mae:

Writer’s block is the balls, and every artist suffers from it. You have to figure out what inspires you and makes you feel creative, then try and get yourself into that mindset.

Two things help me a lot:

1. Jot down every little idea you have. Even if its just one little part, one cool fragment, one character’s revelation, little snippets can be synthesized into a great story and prove to be a breakthrough.

2. If you write, read lots of books. If you make music, listen to tons of music. Movies, painting, photography, whatever. Consume lots of the art you aspire to make and mine it for ideas.

Good things will come to you. Promise. Absinthe and mushrooms have also helped many great creative minds.

Cheers,
Liam

Hetero-flexible

Dear Liam and Me:

The guy I like is gay. Is there any hope, or should I just give up?

Sincerely,
“Bearded” Lady


Dear Bearded:

Save up a bunch of money and send him to one of these fine “camps”.

Seriously, you should just give up. But cherish your gay friend for what he is. He’ll flatter you, offer valuable wardrobe tips, and provide you with many things a straight boy can’t. Except for hot hetero action.

Liam

Bad Friends

Dear Liam and Me -

I have a friend who I’ve hung out with a lot. She always acts superior, calls me a “dumbass”, and makes me feel really stupid. It’s ok to joke around sometimes, but she takes it to the extreme.

Today when I wasn’t in the mood to talk, she told me I “have an attitude problem and really need to change it”. She left for class without me and began telling my friends about my apparent attitude problem.

I don’t know if we can still be friends. To tell the truth, she’s not a good friend to begin with. She only thinks about herself, thinks she’s better than anyone, and will never be there for anything.

What should I do? Should I talk it out or keep it in?

Sincerely,
Deprecated Self

Dear Deprecated:

Any friend who makes you feel that miserable probably isn’t worth having. Still, there’s the off chance that she’s so insensitive that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. And if you’ve kept her around this long, there must be something about her you like.

Communication is always the answer. Sit her down and REALLY make her understand how crappy she makes you feel, citing as many examples as you possibly can. Be firm but polite. Who knows, maybe she’ll apologize and change her ways. Otherwise be prepared to find a new BFF who doesn’t make you feel worthless.

Liam

Sucking in Public

Dear Liam -

I have a small part in my upcoming theater class play. Onstage I tend to just freeze up, not because I’m nervous, but because I just kind of feel like I’m not being funny. Everyone tells me to just go with what I’m doing. So what are things you guys do to get over nerves? Do you even get nervous? How do you just let everything go and perform your heart out?

BTW, “Pretty Black Dress” is my favorite song. This may just be one of those really stupid problems that you are tired of hearing about but remember you brought this on yourselves! (And I’m not totally convinced this is even the actual Liam and Me band reading these things.)

Sincerely,
Butterflies

Dear Butterflies:

For the record, this is really us, baby. And we’re very happy you like Pretty Black Dress. That’s one of my enduring faves as well.

Ahh, stage fright. Unless you’re some kind of invulnerable super-performer, it will affect you at some point in your career. There’s no silver bullet to stop it, but like anything else, practice makes perfect.

In my experience, stage fright is the fear of sucking and being judged by a large group of people who happen to be staring at you. You’re nervous that you might suck, but the more nervous you get the harder you suck. It’s a vicious cycle.

So here are my tips:

Don’t suck – try to get really good at whatever you’re doing onstage. If you’re prepared, you’ll be more confident in your abilities and therefore less nervous.

Don’t give a fuck – if you flub a line or your voice cracks, you may feel like dying inside. But the audience doesn’t care. Chances are they didn’t even notice! If something bad happens, just go with it. I’ve seen great performers screw up a million times. Who gives a fuck? Not giving a fuck is liberating and will improve your presence.

Perform as often as you can – it’s impossible not to be nervous the first time. By the 5th or 6th show, you’ll feel a lot better. By the 100th time, you’ll be a bloody pro.

After playing as many shows as we have, we don’t get so nervous at a normal gig. But we do get a little freaked doing things we’re not so experienced with, especially press – videotaped interviews, TV performances, radio spots, etc. Youtube is littered with clips of us looking awkward. As we get more experienced, we’ll get better and more confident. With practice, we’ll be able to handle press like super smooth Barack Obama.

One other helpful hint. A double shot of whiskey before taking the stage tends to loosen me up. Not that we advocate that per se.

Kisses,
Jackie Treehorn

Our first column! Friends with benefits...

Dear Liam -

I have a massive crush on one of my guy friends. He’s always asking me for advice on girls that are just gross and all wrong for him. Ahh, it tears me up! Why can’t he see that the perfect girl is right under his nose?

So what do you think Liam and Me, should I say something?

Sincerely,
Forever in the Friend Zone

Dear Forever:

My short answer would be “Go for it, sugar!” You’re young and you only live once. There are some risks, however, when you try to convert platonic friendship into sexy time explosion. As a male who’s been on both sides of this situation, here’s how things will likely play out:

Option 1 – He might also be secretly in love with you, but afraid of the consequences. Maybe he keeps asking your advice on terrible girls to show you that he is desired by women, hoping that one day you’ll answer his timid plea and make the first move. “You want my advice?” you say in his mind, “Take me now you virile beast!” If this is the case then you’re the big winner. A whole new set of problems awaits you as this dude’s girlfriend or friend with benefits.

Option 2 – He might not be attracted to you and shoot you down. Maybe he keeps asking your advice to brag and validate his pimp status. Boys are pretty superficial, and no matter what anyone says, physical attraction is priority number one. This rejection may make things uncomfortable, and change the nature of your friendship. If you’re both secure individuals, no big deal! But people tend to feel awkward, and that’s why things “get weird”.

So here are the questions to consider: Do you think your friend is attracted to you? Does he flirt, make innuendos, etc? If things go badly, are you willing to risk changing your friendship? Think it over, it’s ultimately up to you. (I vote for risk taking.)

One other helpful hint – in an informal poll of my friends with significant others, alcohol served as a catalyst in 90% of cases. Not that we advocate that per se, but, uh, yeah.

Let us know how it works out!

Cheers,
Liam